I'm still reading THE HAPPINESS PROJECT. Gretchen Rubin is far too organized. Not only can you tell she's One of Those People by the way she chronicles her experiment in happiness, but also in how she comments about her own life. She is a chart person. A calendar person. A planner. It annoys the hell outta me. I know why it does, too. Because ... maybe ... I should be more a tad more organized. No, that's not quite right. I need to be more ... er, planner-y. Planner-ish. Cripes. I should ... you know, PLAN. More. Better. Or at all.
Naturally upon this personal, irritating revelation, I shut the book and decided some quality lolling was in order. Okay, okay. I thought, "Screw this. I'm going to do a whole lotta NOTHING because I haven't been paid, I don't have proposal approval so I can't write NEVER SAY NEVER yet, and hey, three years ago, I did say I would watch 'Chuck.'" So. Yes. It's a pity party. And a "Chuck" marathon. And snacking. And lolling.
Here's a little something I've recently figured out. I'd been told, numerous times, about the value of getting organized and hell, I've even given this lecture myself, but I guess I didn't really believe it. (Did I mention I was a gold medalist in denial?) Routine brings order. It's a natural shift, too. You do the same things at certain times, and then your life kinda aligns around it. The thing that no one added to the "organization lectures" was that it was okay to be flexible. If something I was doing consistently stopped working then I could, this being a world filled with choices and free will an' all, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Duh. Duh. Duh.
I have witnessed the positive changes that occurred when I took responsibility for my own life and my past decisions, and decided I would do better. I would be better. It was hard. It sucked. But I realized that not only did I survive it, I handled it. I like how my life feels these days, and I want to keep it. But life changes. Sometimes in the beat of a heart. Maybe that's why there is still underlying fear to conquer. The very old belief, that haunts me like a goddamned ghost, is that happiness is too fleeting. It can be yanked away, stomped on, shredded, and made to disappear. And here is where I realize I am struggling for control: Creating order will not prevent bad things from happening. I resisted the idea of sticking to routines and getting organized because life can go to hell anyway.
You know what? I don't want to live in a "preventative measures" state of mind. I suppose I'm still slipping out of crisis mode, still getting used to a life that is good. And more often than not, wonderful. I cannot predict what challenges will arrive, or even how I will handle them. I know, however, that I CAN handle them.
But there is more work to do. I'm fighting it, but I always do. That's part of the process, maybe. Or I'm just too stubborn. Either way, I won't give up. So, I'll continue to read THE HAPPINESS PROJECT and ruminate on which statements resonate for me.
And yeah, I'll go loll and snack and watch "Chuck."
Rumination takes more than one form.